My dog’s coffin and ash

We received Sophie’s coffin and ash last Saturday.

We don’t have much furniture, so we bought a shelf to put Sophie’s coffin.

Since Sophie died, I have been sick. I have been coughing and I have phlegm, a bit of fever and headache. I bought Mucinex and taking for few days but my condition was not going any better. It’s been more than a week since I got sick, so I searched which doctor will accept my insurance and went to see a doctor yesterday. Doctor said I’m having bronchitis.

My immune system must be weakened by the sadness of losing Sophie.

Anyway, I’m glad that I got an antibiotic to defeat the virus.

Big Steve is doing fine. But I think finally he is understanding Sophie is not coming back. He wants to be near me more than he did before. I think he feels alone now. So I try to be near him as much as possible and play with him.

There is one thing I’m worried about him is that he has been having dry cough. He might have allergy, so sometimes we are giving him a benadryl.

I hope I’m going to get better soon and he is going to be fine too.

Dog can think only for now.

It’s been 6 days since we lost Sophie. We have another dog, Big Steve, who is 3 years younger than Sophie and almost died 2 times in 2010 and 2011.

Sometimes people ask us how is he doing? How does he react about Sophie’s death. He seems to be doing totally fine. He is running around and dancing as usual and has good high spirits. He has a good appetite and wants to play as usual.So I’m not sure if he understands about her death. When I tell them this, somehow people said, “Of course he knows about her death and must be tough for him.”

Probably he knows that Sophie is not here, but I think he doesn’t understand why she is not here. My husband said dogs can only think now, but they can’t think of future. I really believe so.

Sophie and Big Steve has totally different personality and we know about them better than anybody, but sometimes people are telling me what I’m saying is wrong and what they are saying is right. I don’t argue what each people believe, but I am kind of tired of dealing with those people who thinks they know things better than me. I don’t want to misunderstand about my pets and don’t want to think about them in the way we want. I want to understand what they really are as much as possible.

My husband and I have been sick after Sophie’s death. He is getting better, but I am still feeling sick. I’m not crying about her every day anymore. Because I know I want to enjoy rest of my life and I can’t live like this forever. But my body can’t deceive itself I guess. I probably can’t get over from her death anyway, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna be miserable for the rest of my life. Actually I am learning something from her death…

I saw a dream about Sophie today for the first time after her death. In my dream I didn’t think she died. I was at some building and taking her out for pee but it looked like she struggled. I must be thinking about that unconsciously. When I work up, I hear some noise Sophie makes sometimes near my ear as if like she is on my bed. I felt a bit happy about it.:)

 

R.I.P. – our dearest Sophie

It’s been a while since I thought of writing a blog about them. Actually we moved to California around 4 weeks ago and we are so exited to have our new lives here. However, it’s really sad that this is my first blog about our dogs in CA.

I had many fun things I thought of doing with Sophie and Big Steve. However, we are not going to have that time with Sophie anymore.

Sophie left this world the day before yesterday, August 17th.

We knew that she had join problems, but rather than that she appeared to be healthy and bit lazy because she was kind of old.

Few days ago, I guess that was  Monday the 15th, she woke me up at 5:30 am. I thought she needed to pee, so I woke up to take them out. But I found that she already peed on the floor. As I was cleaning the mess, she went back to her bed, so I thought she just let me know about that she peed.

The same day at night, I noticed that it seemed like she struggled peeing. But I thought she is old and maybe it’s tough to pee sometimes. I went home and googled her symptoms. I wasn’t sure if she has problems or not, but I thought maybe I could take her to the vet when my husband has time. I don’t have a car, so I have to ask my husband to take us to vet.

That night, she kept coming in my bed room so I took her out in the middle of the night. But although I took her out,  it seemed like she was not peeing. So I took her back to home. After a while, she came in my bed room and acting like she was about to poop. I took her out, but again, she struggled to pee or poop. I also thought she was scared of something. Looked like she was seeing something and scared of something. I was worried about her, but I didn’t know what to do and also I had to sleep. But she kept making noises and kept coming in my bed room and acting restless. I was getting frustrated and told her stop doing it… she lay down and try to settle. I couldn’t let her pee or poop in my bed room, so I kept her right outside of my bed room and closed the door.

That morning, I took them out, but again, it looked like she wants to pee or poop but she couldn’t. I had to take them back to home and after that, she throw up.

My husband has not been at home since Sunday. He was in PA due to his family’s death. He was supposed to be back that day at around 1:30pm. I didn’t know what to do, but I called the vet and they said doctor could see her if it’s now. I didn’t have a car and if I walked to there on foot while I was holding Sophie, it’s gonna take more than an hour. But I said I’ll be there as quickly as possible.

I was very worried about her and tried to get to the vet. I knew this was going to be a tough trip, so I called one of my friend(I made friend since we moved to CA.) to see if she can drive us to the vet. I was lucky that she answered the phone and she could come to pick us up. But she was a bit busy at that moment, so we needed to wait. But I couldn’t wait even a bit, so I started to walk to the vet. I probably walked about an hour, sometimes I couldn’t hold her so she had to walk, but most of the time I carried her.  Anyway, I only made half distance to the vet. At that time, my friend arrived to us and drove us to the vet.

This was a new vet to her. I believe Sophie knew whenever she comes to the vet, she gets better, so she never hated to come to the vet. She went to the doctor an wag her tale a bit and sat there. The doctor was saying “Wow, how cute you are! You just wanna be petted.” but I think she just asked to her to please fix me. The vet didn’t even ask me about what happen to her or anything. She just petted her for a while. I got frustrated and wanted to exam her already. Doctor said she probably has “urine infection.” I thought that make sense although I don’t know when and how did she get the infection since I wipe her once or twice a day. Also I didn’t understand why she throw up? Why she struggle peeing or pooping? Anyway I told her that, “okay, but I doubt if she will pee.” However, they took her urine sample somehow. They gave her an antivirus shoot and that was it….

Even though I was not happy, I had to trust the vet and I decided to go home. When I had to pay I realized that I forgot my wallet, so I had to wait for my husband to pick us up.

As I was waiting for my husband, Sophie was still acting weirdly and shaking. I ask a nurse Sophie is shaking. That nurse said “she is just scared. You know, no one likes hospital.” I knew that was not it, but what can I say? She has seen a doctor and I’m not a doctor. I had to trust the vet.

My husband came to pick us up and he felt the same way as me. Why Sophie is shaking? Why she throw up? But they said the same thing to him. Also the nurse told us that urine infection can be painful. So that’s why I though she might be shaking then.

We had to go home and hoped that she is going to be okay.

I gave Sophie a chance to pee or poop, but she acted the same way. And this time, she couldn’t stand up well. Her rear leg looked like no energy. I was so sure that she is not going to be able to pee or poo outside for a while, so we went to get some diaper.

When we came home her shaking was getting better. At least that’s what we saw. But actually she was dieing at that time. She was just lay there and taking a rest. I had to have a hope and I didn’t thought that this is going to kill her. But next time when my husband notice, she was gone……

I am so shocked and I cried so badly. I was not prepared for this at all… I always had to think in a positive way, so I had to think that she is going to be okay……..

This is just a hindsight, but that night, she actually struggled and came to me for help…….but I choose to sleep after all……

I’m so sorry Sophie!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t support you when you needed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!

We took her to the emergency vet, somewhere where they could take care of her body. I just couldn’t accept her death and couldn’t stop crying. At the emergency hospital, they said Sophie might have had tumor or something. We could have sent her for autopsy, but they also said they might not find anything….. Anyway Sophie is gone and I lost her. We lost her. We decided to have her ashes and no autopsy.

As we are seeing Sophie’s dead body for the last time, we see no energy or spirits in her body. She is gone. Many feeling is looping in me and couldn’t control. I apologized her so much and we prayed that God and the Angels will take care of her soul.

I am so sorry Sophie… just like that night, sometimes I couldn’t take care of you in the way you want. I probably didn’t notice well what you really need and I get upset. But I also told her I love her so much many many times. I hope you know that Sophie……….

I am so sorry…..

Thank you so much for being our pet….

You always just want to be good. You are such a smart and good pet… We were so lucky to have you. Having you were one of my dreams and you made my dream come true in such a great way.  You really made our life so much more.You made my life enjoyable.

I miss you so much….

I love you so much….

I really want to believe that there is the heaven and you are being taken care of by God and the Angels. I will be good and I hope I’ll go to heaven to see you someday…

Until then, rest in peace…

This was the last photo I took of you, Sophie….

– August 14th 2011. (left: Big Steve, right: Sophie 10 years old)

Sophie loved music box sound.